Are you misinterpreting your partner?

Relationships are complex web of interpretation. One of the most significant sources of conflict I observe in my practice stems from a fundamental misunderstanding: we often interpret our partner's actions through the lens of our own motivations and behaviours.

The Interpretation Trap

When your partner does something that hurts or confuses you, your immediate response is often to ask yourself: "Why would I do this?" If the only reason you would engage in that behaviour is because you didn't care about your partner, or worse, because you wanted to hurt them, then naturally you'll assume the same motivation drives your partners actions.

This interpretation trap creates a cascade of negative assumptions. What feels like neglect or intentional harm may actually be your partner's misguided attempt to show care, or simply a genuine misunderstanding of how their actions would be received.

The Giving Example

Consider this common scenario: after an argument where you've been crying, your partner gives you space by walking away. If you're someone who would only walk away because you couldn't be bothered to try or because you didn't care, you'll interpret their departure as abandonment or indifference.

However, your partner might be someone who, when upset, genuinely needs space to process their emotions. Their withdrawal isn't about caring less….it's about applying their own coping mechanism to what they perceive as your needs.

The Power of Clear Communication

The antidote to this interpretation trap lies in extraordinarily clear communication. This involves three key elements:

1. Expressing your needs explicitly: Rather than expecting your partner to intuitively understand what you require, articulate it clearly. Even if it feels obvious (especially if it feels obvious!).

2. Sharing your thought processes: Explain not just what you're feeling, but how you're interpreting their actions and why.

3. Questioning assumptions: Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

The Lens of Experience

There's wisdom in the saying that two-thirds of what we see is behind our eyes. Our interpretation of events is heavily influenced by our past experiences, our personal coping mechanisms, and our own behavioural patterns. What feels obvious to us may be completely foreign to our partner.

Moving Forward

Recognising that your interpretation of your partner's actions may be more about you than about them is the first step towards healthier communication. When you can separate your partner's intentions from your interpretation of their behaviour, you create space for understanding rather than conflict.

Rebecca Anderson for Navigate Psychology

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash