Moving From People Pleasing to Expressing Yourself - Enrol now for $80

My name is Rebecca Anderson, and I'm a clinical psychologist and owner of Navigate Psychology, an online and Sydney-based psychology practice. The information in this course comes from my personal experience as a people pleaser, extensive supervision from clinical psychologists, my clinical work with clients, and professional development in this area. I'm passionate about helping people pleasers reach a place where they can express themselves freely and advocate for their needs.

In this video we explore four types of motivation for people-pleasing.

People-pleasing can be a coping strategy that likely kept you safe at some point. This often stems from needing to surrender to another person's perceived reality for survival, as expressing your own needs may have been emotionally or physically unsafe. As a child, you may have complied with caregivers' views for approval and belonging, given the lack of power or agency you have as a child.

People-pleasing can be a way of life that subtly shows up in different areas. It mainly revolves around approval-seeking, fear, and guilt. Recognising how it manifests in your life is key for addressing it during treatment.

Deciding to change people-pleasing often involves ambivalence, weighing the pros and cons. It's important to consider that people-pleasing may not only be unhelpful to you, but also to others.

To overcome people-pleasing, you need to understand your feelings and thoughts. Without this self-awareness, you won't recognise your needs. People-pleasers often struggle with this disconnection.

Fitting in means trying to adapt to different people or situations, which can be exhausting and lead to feelings of loneliness or emptiness. Belonging involves being yourself and filtering out those who don’t resonate with you. While fewer people may like you, those who do are more likely to be a good match.

Behavioural experiments are crucial for overcoming people-pleasing as they allow you to test out new ways of interacting and challenge unhelpful beliefs. By experimenting with different behaviours, you can learn that asserting your needs and setting boundaries can lead to positive outcomes, rather than the feared rejection or conflict. Even if they do result in conflict, it gives you an opportunity to realise that you can cope better than you thought with these difficulties.

Behavioural experiments are crucial for overcoming people-pMantras, affirmations, or sentiments—whatever you prefer to call them—are meant to guide you in challenging your thoughts around people-pleasing. While you might not fully believe them yet, they serve as helpful goals, and with time and experimentation, you may come to believe them.

This video discusses common blocks to overcoming people-pleasing, such as anger and guilt. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in experiencing these feelings.