Rather than trying to change someone's fundamental approach to relationships, focus your energy on finding those who already possess this valuable trait

Often the person who asks for the advice (but doesn’t take it) is often avoiding the real issue. That may be, having to feel vulnerable. For instance, the advice seeker may be afraid of rejection, putting themselves out there, or getting hurt.

A general rule is often when we are at 70% wanting to change, that’s when we start making changes

Anxiety means you’re often stuck in the hot, horrible moment of imagining something going wrong. Your mind isn’t the best at telling the difference between reality and imagination, so it often feels horrible and real.

Catastrophic thoughts typically centre on a horrible, feared outcomes …such as job loss or relationship betrayal. These concerns can persist for many years, triggering intense physical anxiety responses whenever contemplated

A schema is a deeply ingrained "blueprint" for how we see ourselves and the world. According to the Schema model, every child requires five core needs to met, to grow into a healthy adult. When these needs are neglected , they map directly onto clusters of schemas. While schemas are the internal blueprints, Modes are the moment-to-moment emotional states we drop into when we feel vulnerable.

When I first became a Clinical Psychologist, I do not recall EMDR even being mentioned during training during Masters. When I heard about it, it was seen by others as a bit ‘woo woo’ and not evidenced based.

Fast forward many years, and now there is a very strong evidence base for EMDR. I have also seen it work with several of my clients. So what is it?

The loneliness I'm seeing stems from a specific gap. The absence of a few people who are in daily or weekly contact and truly across what's happening in your life. These are the people who know about the small things

True emotional regulation doesn't eliminate emotions and mean you’re happy and content constantly.

Let’s say your partner says ‘I hate my work! I just had the worst day’. Content-focused responses address the surface issue. That would look like problem solving e.g. suggesting they speak to their boss or highlighting job benefits.

Emotion-focused responses acknowledge the underlying experience. That would look like ‘It sounds like work is really overwhelming you at the moment’.

If you were told “you’re too sensitive’ or ‘that didn’t happen’ you may have started questioning your own perception. Believing your parent was right, even when it didn’t feel true, was a way to maintain the relationship, to feel secure. You made the best choice available at the time.