Processing a Break Up
Going through a break-up can be incredibly difficult no matter who ended the relationship and no matter why it ended. The future you had hoped for, is no longer there. Your identity shifts from relationship to single. There may be practical implications (logistics, moving, untangling finances or children to think of). This person who was your anchor is now no longer there in the same way, and that can bring up a lot of grief.
Here are four questions to ask yourself to help you move forward from a break-up:
1) What is now available to me that was not available to me in the relationship?
Going through a break-up is similar to getting sick or experience grief. It’s not something you wish to happened. However, because it has happened it’s important to look for the opportunities or the ‘gold’ in the situation. When something ends, by very definition you are also facing a new beginning. What is now available to you in your life because this has happened? Are their opportunities to travel? To find someone who better meets your needs? To develop new friendships? To move? To focus on yourself?
2) What did you learn from the relationship?
What do you want to leave behind in this relationship, and what learnings do you want to take forward for the future?
3) What was bad in the relationship?
Write it all down whilst it’s fresh! With examples! Write the small things that annoyed you (e.g. you hate that they left their clothes on the floor) and the big things (e.g. you didn’t have the same need for quality time). In time we have a tendency to look back on relationships with rose-coloured glasses, so it’s helpful to have this list to look at.
4) What did they bring to table?
What did your partner bring to the relationship that you most valued? Was it … Company? Being a good listener? A built in adventure buddy? Expert masseuse? Made you laugh? This can tell you a lot about what you most value in your relationships and is a useful jumping point to think about where you can get those needs met elsewhere. For instance, if it’s an adventure buddy you might start a new hobby. If it’s a good listener it might be telling a close friend you just need to vent for a bit.
Navigating the end of a relationship can be very difficult and daunting. If you would like support from a clinical psychologist based in Sydney CBD, Australia you can reach out for support here.