Boundaries
Boundaries are the rules we set for ourselves and others in our interpersonal relationships. Boundaries are essential to form sustainable, healthy relationships with others.
If you struggle with boundaries, you may have experienced caregivers who wanted to be enmeshed with you or had strong opinions of how you ‘should’ live your life. Your caregivers may have used guilt or shame when you stated your own opinions, tried to individuate from them or tried to set limits on their behaviour. They may have withdrawn their affection and gone cold.
In order to stay connected to them, you needed to prioritise the attachment over your own needs for boundaries. This is understandable; when you’re little you’re at your caregiver’s mercy in many ways, and so you need to maintain that connection for your safety.
Boundaries are very important. They mean we are less likely to feel resentment in our relationships, and therefore less likely to engage in passive aggressive behaviours and be less irritable. When you initially start setting boundaries, you will likely feel incredibly uncomfortable…like you want to crawl out of your own skin. However, over time you will learn that setting boundaries actually feels empowering.
The people who don’t like you having boundaries are the people who benefit from you having none. People may initially not like it, act out or try to push your limits. This is okay; your job is to maintain your focus and stick to your boundary.
Let’s go through an example together. Whenever Emily sees her mother, her mother makes comments about Emily’s body. Specifically, she comments on Emily’s food (‘should you really be eating that?’) and Emily’s body shape (‘I don’t think that dress suits you; it makes you look fat’).
How to set a boundary:
Know what your internal opinions, preferences and emotions are. Often when people struggle with boundaries they aren’t even sure what boundaries they would like to set. The first place to start it to pay attention to your internal world and what your body is trying to communicate to you.
Emily knows she does not like it when her mother makes these comments. Internally she tells herself '‘I wish I could make Mum stop these stupid comments!’.
Give the benefit of the doubt, but be firm when you set your boundary.
Emily may say something like ‘’Mum, I know you might not realise the impact those comments have on me or maybe you think it’s helpful to comment on my weight. However, I find those comments around what I’m eating and how I look quite hurtful and I’d like you to stop’’.
If the person refuses to respect your boundaries then you have a choice. You can either tolerate their behaviour or you can withdraw from this person.
Emily could either accept her mother will make these comments (and the consequences of this is that Emily will probably feel quite horrible about how she looks and very self-conscious around her mother) or Emily can decide she will remove herself from her mother’s company or end the phone call when her mother starts commenting her weight.
If you’re struggling with setting boundaries and would like help from a clinical psychologist based in Sydney CBD or Telehealth, please reach out today at this link.