The Difference Between Fitting in vs Belonging

If you’re surrounded by people who subscribe to a particular set of beliefs about how you should think, feeling and behave, it can be very hard to even know what your authentic self is. This sets of beliefs imposed on you may be shaped by culture, religion, age, education systems and gender beliefs.

In some ways, it’s dangerous to be different. We need to fit in with the people around us, particularly as children and teens. We can’t just move out and support ourselves, so we need to adapt to make ourselves acceptable to the people around us.

We lean into the parts ourselves that feel safe and conform, and hide the other parts of ourselves in shame. We develop and external persona, which can be very different to our internal reality.

We focus on fitting in.

The long term costs of this however, is extremely stressful and this masking can contribute to negative mental health. It can lead to feelings of resentment and emptiness. And it can mean you’re surrounded by people who are a poor fit for you.

If you’re in a place where it’s more safe to be yourself, the best thing you can do is firstly tap into what feels most authentic to you in situations (even if you don’t want to speak up).  The second thing is, to gradually start to speak up and be an authentic version of yourself.

What this means is you may not ‘fit in’ with as many people as you’re not a watered down version of yourself anymore, however you will ‘belong’ with the people who do accept you.

For instance, if you go to a book club that loves romance books, and you dislike these books you have two choices. You can say you loved the book and fit in (but be wearing a bit of a mask). Or you can say you actually really dislike these books (and potentially be left out from that group), but then you have the opportunity to find a book club you love (e.g. drama books).

The quickest way to find your people and your tribe is to be unabashedly yourself.

Photo by Benigno Hoyuela on Unsplash