Understanding Defensive Communication in Relationships

When we don't feel heard in our relationships, we often fall into predictable patterns that can damage our connections with others. Understanding these cycles is the first step towards creating healthier communication dynamics.

The Four Stage Defensive Cycle

Through my practice, i’ve noticed defensiveness tends to escalate through four stages:

1. Explanation
The initial response is to explain our position more clearly, believing the other person simply didn't understand our perspective.

2. Justification
When that explanation doesn't work, we begin justifying our stance, providing reasons and evidence to support our viewpoint. Sometimes we pull in other people ('e.g. Emily agrees with me!’).

3. Defensiveness
If justification fails to achieve the desired outcome, defensiveness emerges as we protect our position and sense of self. This is where we metaphorically dig our heels into the ground.

4. Blame and Counter-Attack
The final stage involves blaming the other person or launching counter-attacks, which can severely damage the relationship.

The Safety Question

The crucial element in breaking this cycle is asking yourself one simple question during any conversation: "Do I feel emotionally safe?"

This question serves as a powerful diagnostic tool. When we feel emotionally safe in a conversation, we're more likely to remain open, curious, and collaborative. However, when a discussion begins to feel like a debate, the defensive cycle becomes almost inevitable.


To break these cycles, focus on:

- Developing awareness of your own communication patterns
- Recognising when conversations shift from collaborative to combative
- Prioritising understanding over being right

Moving Forward

Breaking long-established communication patterns takes time and conscious effort. By developing awareness of these cycles and consistently checking in with our sense of safety during conversations, we can begin to create more meaningful and connected relationships.

Remember, the goal isn't to win the conversation….it's to maintain the relationship whilst addressing the underlying needs that drive our communication patterns.

Rebecca Anderson for Navigate Psychology

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash