When your friend asks for advice, but never takes it…

Many people experience frustration when trying to help a friend or partner who repeatedly asks for advice but doesn't follow through….

When someone says they're struggling with something (e.g. looking for a job, dating etc) and asks for help, the natural response is to offer practical solutions… For example, with dating you might suggest where to meet people, dating apps, or helping with profiles.

However, tehn you may notice they don’t take your advice. You may try to give more advice, or feel frustrated and want to snap at them or pull back from the relationship.Often the person who asks for the advice (but doesn’t take it) is often avoiding the real issue. That may be having to feel vulnerable. For instance, the advice seeker may be afraid of rejection, putting themselves out there, or getting hurt. They sometimes don’t recognise these underlying emotions, so instead of expressing their fears directly, they ask for advice as a way to feel supported whilst avoiding the scary action.

The Tennis Match Dynamic

This creates a frustrating cycle where every suggestion gets rejected with reasons why it won't work. The person gets to stay in their comfort zone, whilst appearing to want help. Meanwhile, the helper becomes increasingly frustrated, not understanding why their perfectly reasonable suggestions are being dismissed.

Understanding this pattern can help both parties. The advice seeker needs to recognise when they're asking for emotional support rather than practical solutions. The helper can learn to identify when someone needs validation and comfort rather than problem solving strategies.

Rebecca Anderson for Navigate Psychology

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