Emotional Regulation Doesn’t Mean Feeling Calm All The Time

Emotional regulation is one of the most misunderstood concepts in psychology. Many people believe that being emotionally regulated means maintaining a constant state of calm and peace. This misconception can lead to unrealistic expectations and self criticism when we inevitably experience the full range of human emotions…

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

True emotional regulation doesn't eliminate emotions and mean you’re happy and content constantly. Instead, it involves experiencing the complete spectrum of human feelings whilst maintaining the ability to make decisions that align with our long-term goals and values. When someone upsets us or rejects us, we will still feel hurt, angry, or disappointed. These reactions are natural and healthy parts of the human experience. They tell us we care or we need to speak up or take distance from someone.

The Key Difference: Reacting vs Responding

The crucial distinction lies not in what we feel, but in how we handle those feelings. Emotional regulation is about developing the capacity to pause between feeling and action. Rather than immediately reacting to our emotions, we learn to choose our responses thoughtfully.

This doesn't mean suppressing our feelings or pretending they don't exist. It means acknowledging them, understanding their message, and then deciding how to proceed in a way that serves our best interests and relationships.

Practical Applications

When faced with challenging emotions, emotionally regulated individuals:
- Allow themselves to feel the emotion fully
- Take time to process what they're experiencing
- Consider their options before acting
- Choose responses that align with their values and goals

The Ongoing Journey

Developing emotional regulation is a lifelong process. It requires practice, self-compassion, and often professional support. Understanding that feeling the full range of emotions is not only normal but necessary can help us approach this skill with more realistic expectations and greater success.

Rebecca Anderson is a clinical psychologist based in Sydney Australia for Navigate Psychology

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