Communicate Better in Your Relationships
Arguments and disagreements are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship. Two people are not clones of each other, and are therefore going to have different opinions sometimes.
Those arguments might be about money, children, where to live, sex, chores, how to spend spare time, where to go on holiday…the list is endless.
Neither person is right or wrong, merely there are just two different opinions. Having different opinions is not a problem.
However, most of us have not been taught how to disagree with someone else. We may yell, scream, criticize, shutdown, avoid conflict, use a patronizing tone or dismiss the others point of view…all of which can be very unhelpful. Often we may model what we saw growing up from our parents or caregivers.
The problem with this is that when our partner acts like this we feel attacked. We can be become defensive. We can end up in stalemate for years, with both people digging further into their trenches.
However, there is another way.
By setting limits around how we communicate with each other (the process) we can more easily sort out what we were communicating about (the content).
After all, it really should be you and your partner vs the problem, not you vs your partner.
Let’s say your partner has a habit of criticizing you personally when they bring up issues. If you’re like most people you probably would get caught up in the criticisms, criticize them back and forget what you were even fighting about in the first place.
Instead, try this approach:
1) Establish what you want for relationship
2) What you won't put up with
3) What the consequences if it continues
I’d really like to have a chat about the holiday
However, I noticed you’ve started to raise your voice and I’m not going to engage with you whilst you’re raising your voice
We will have to leave it till tomorrow to talk about it. It’s up to you whether we can talk about it now or not.
Do not get draw into their criticism as that just gives them more attention. Do not defend yourself or attack them back when they devalue you. Be pleasant and calm in your tone.
Through setting these boundaries around how you communicate with each other you are sending the message: ‘’This is what is required for me to present.’’
Photo by Alvin Mahmudov on Unsplash