One simple way to be a better friend
When we see a close friend, partner or family member suffering, it’s natural to want to make that suffering stop. We want to pull them out of their pain. It’s like our friend has fallen into a big hole, and we want to get a ladder and give them instructions about how to get out of the hole. Sounds good, right?
Unfortunately, it’s not the best strategy to help your friend feel supported by you.
If you’re friend is feeling low (in the metaphorical hole), and you are telling them to go for a walk, make new friends, eat better and take their medication (the metaphorical ladder), this can be perceived as very dismissive.
Often your friend knows what they should be doing to improve their situation. What they need from you is for you to crawl down into the hole and sit with them holding their hand.
Despite your positive intentions, by constantly trying to ‘look on the bright side’ and trying to problem solve, what you are saying to your friend is ‘I can’t tolerate sitting your negative feelings and I’m not going to let you either’.
What would be more helpful is to actually acknowledge their distress, which can feel a bit like sitting on your hands. If they have a hard day you might say ‘that makes total sense you feel overwhelmed, it sounds like a lot was happening at work today for you’ rather than ‘we’ll maybe you should talk to your boss about cutting down your workload’.
Once your friend feels heard and understood and seen, they will have much more capacity to implement the strategies they know may help them in the long term. Also, sometimes nothing needs to change be fixed, we just need someone else to say ‘I see you, and I see that you’re struggling and I’m here for you’.
So next time a friend is struggling, try to just be in the hole with them for a bit. The ladder will still be there later.
Photo credits: