Grief
Grief. One moment you may feel like you are coping....like the ocean is lapping around your ankles. The next, a huge waves knocks you over and it brings you back to the moment you discovered your loss. Loss can take many forms…death, illness, suicide, separation, loss of job or loss of country.
Grief is never linear. From moment to moment you may slip around your emotions….anger, sadness, despair, hopelessness, shock, hope…and back again to the start. You may ask yourself unanswerable questions ‘Why me? Why do others not have to experience this loss?’.
Grief is a very individual experience and often there is no return to normal, only a return to a new normal. Through the passage of time, the pain does reduce, but still arises again at significant dates or occasions. However, we never let someone or something important to us completely go… our unconscious is timeless.
Know that your healing will take longer and more energy than you think. It will not follow a logical progression of decreased intensity. Failing to work through grief is the emotional equivalent of failing to care for a broken bone. Here are four tips to help you process your grief:
1) Reach out
This is the time when you need your support network. If someone asks you if they can do anything for you, then ask them them for specific help such as cooking for you or minding your children for a few hours. People want to help, but often have no idea how to since grief is rarely discussed in western culture. Remember, you are not a burden and people do want to help.
2) Let yourself feel
Give yourself time to grieve not just for the person but all the dreams and hopes you had for the future that can no longer happen. Let yourself work through memories, dreams, disappointments, unmet expectations and unresolved tension with loved ones, a journal or a therapist. Share memories of your loved one and accept help from others.
3) Reflect
What did you learn through this relationship or experience? What do you wish you could say to the person about their impact on you when they were alive and how their death has impacted you? What is the hardest part about them leaving? What were your best times with that person? What won't you miss about them? What are you angry about? What do you think they would say to you right now?
4) Self-care
You are the one person who will always be with yourself. If you stop looking after yourself, you will be pushed further into your feelings. The best way to honour someone is to live properly and fully. Make sure to get dressed, eat regularly, see friends/family and do paperwork. Do things that used to bring you enjoyment. It’s okay to reduce your activities, but don’t reduce them completely. Avoid drinking, drugs or risk taking behaviour during this time.
There is no doubt that grief is a difficult, individual and isolating journey. If you are struggling, please book in for support.
