The Secret Formula for Happiness

Happiness. It’s something we all strive for more of…. Look at the thousands of books, podcasts, studies and shows made on this exact topic! We live in a culture that tells us if we just achieve that next goal (whether it be getting that dream job, car, holiday or house) that we will feel happiness. You might feel happy after achieving those goals, but how long does that happiness last? How long till you're thinking about the next goal? We spent 99% of our life trying to achieve these goals and 1% of our life actually enjoying them! 

So if achieving these goals only gives you temporary happiness, how do we achieve lasting happiness? Well, as Eleanor Roosevelt so wisely said ''Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived''. 

Long lasting happiness is definitely in our control. Research shows that following the steps below can really assist in leading to a more fulfilling and happy life:

1) Meaning

In order to be happy, the research indicates what makes us happy isn’t achieving goals, like getting a car or buying a house. 

What makes us happy is doing something we find meaningful, and what humans often find most meaningful is helping others. This could be on a small scale (like doing that chore you know your partner hates) or a bigger scale (helping people through your job, hobby or business, whether this is with an amazing product you designed or serving the community).

2) Connection and vulnerability

It’s no secret that humans are social creatures. We need other people. We need to feel seen, heard and cared for. It is important to nurture quality relationships with time and care. In those relationships we need to show our vulnerability and true selves.

If you feel like you don’t have enough social connections, think about the times in your life where you have made the most friends. I’m guessing it was either with family, school, hobbies or work. What those things have in common is frequent, consistent exposure to the same set of people. Therefore in order to expand your current social circle, you should seek to engage with a new hobby or workplace that allows you to do a similar thing.

3) Being Present

Did you know that people with anxiety or depression spend an average of 70% of the day ruminating? Ruminating is dwelling on the past or the future. In contrast, the average person spends 20% of the day ruminating!

The ability to move from mindlessly thinking about the future or past (e.g. driving on autopilot; not listening to someone because you’re thinking of what you will say next; being in shower whilst thinking of your epic to-do list for tomorrow) to being mindful (fully present in the present moment) is a skill that has been shown to do wonders for improving psychological well-being.

4) Your Self-Talk

It is not external events that make us feel certain ways, but how we *perceive* certain events. For instance, if a person lost their job there is so many ways they can interpret that event. ‘I’m a failure…I always knew they would catch me out’….’I’m fuming! I’ve been their best employee for 10 years…how dare they!?’…’This is disappointing, but perhaps now I can go back and do that course I wanted to do’… 'Yes! I was about to quit and now I don’t have to!’

You see? It isn’t the situation, but how we interpret the situation that dictates our feelings. I believe the following four skills are vital tools to happiness. All of these skills can be taught by a psychologist:

·       The ability to differentiate between a worry that you can do something about (problem solve) or let go (because you have no real control over it)

·       The ability to look at the evidence for and the evidence against a particular thought, and realising that our thoughts are NOT facts

·       The ability to genuinely talk to yourself as you would a friend

·       Instead of asking yourself whether something is true or false, asking yourself ‘How helpful is it for me to think about this? Does thinking about this keep me stuck and struggling or does it move me towards the life I want to be living?’

You can be mindful in a formal sense (through mindful meditation apps like Headspace) or informally through everyday tasks (through having a tea on your balcony whilst listening to the sounds of the cars driving past, the birds overhead…feeling the warmth of the cup in your hand and the breeze on your face…smelling the herbs from the tea….).

5) Pleasure

What’s life without some pleasure!?Although pleasure alone is not enough for happiness, in small doses pleasurable events can add to our contentment levels. We can have pleasure through experiences (holidays, shows, dinner with family or friends) or through things (a new outfit; a new car). We can enjoy pleasure through self-care (a cosy night in next to the fire and a good book) and through learning the art of switching off (turning off your work emails on Friday afternoon).

6) Achievement

Achievement means something different for everyone. For one person it could be defined as financial security and for someone else it could be to never stop learning. As long as we have a sense of achievement, we can feel as if we are moving forward. It is important however, that our achievement is linked to our own values (rather than societies values). If owning a house isn’t important and meaningful to you, then you will feel pretty empty when that happens. However, if owning a house represents security, providing for your family and sense of moving forward, this could help contribute to your happiness levels.