Stop Holding the Awkwardness

As women, we're often socialised to be the emotional caretakers in uncomfortable situations. When someone behaves inappropriately or creates awkwardness, we often instinctively step in to smooth things over. We crack jokes, deflect attention, or explain away the behaviour…essentially absorbing the discomfort that someone else has created.

This pattern of people-pleasing behaviour was brilliantly ilustrated by TikTok creator Lana, who shared a workplace example that many of us can relate to. In her service job, customers would occasionally offer her a tip, only to pull the money back at the last moment. this creating an uncomfortable power dynamic. Her old response? "Oh no worries, don't worry about that." She would immediately diffuse the tension, taking responsibility for someone else's inappropriate behaviour.

But Lana discovered interesting; she didn't have to hold that awkwardness. Now, when a customer pulls this stunt, she simply extends her hand, maintains a bright smile, and asks, "Is that money for me?" She lets the silence hang. … She allows the person who created the uncomfortable moment to sit with the consequences of their actions.

This shift represents a fundamental change in how we navigate social dynamics. Instead of reflexively rescuing others from the awkwardness they've created, we can choose to remain comfortable whilst they experience the natural consequences of their behaviour.

The Psychology Behind the Pattern

People-pleasing often stems from a deep-seated need to maintain harmony and avoid conflict. We've been conditioned to believe that our value lies in making others comfortable, even at the expense of our own wellbeing. This conditioning runs so deep that we often don't realise we're doing it.

When we consistently smooth over others' inappropriate behaviour, we inadvertently enable it. We send the message that their actions have no consequences, that someone else will always clean up their mess. This creates an unhealthy dynamic where we become responsible for managing everyone else's emotions whilst neglecting our own.

Practical Applications Beyond the Workplace

Consider social gatherings where someone makes an offensive comment. Instead of immediately jumping in with "Oh, they didn't mean it that way," try sitting with the silence. Let the person who made the comment navigate the discomfort they've created.

In family dynamics, when a relative makes an inappropriate joke or crosses a boundary, resist the urge to laugh it off or change the subject. A simple, calm response like "I'm not sure what you mean by that" can be incredibly powerful.


Letting Go

There's something liberating about refusing to manage other people's emotions. When we stop automatically smoothing over awkward situations, we have more energy and establish healthier boundaries. We also give others the opportunity to reflect on their behaviour and potentially grow from the experience.

This doesn't mean becoming confrontational or aggressive. It simply means allowing natural consequences to occur. When someone creates an uncomfortable situation, they can be the one to resolve it or sit with the discomfort they've generated.

Building Your Comfort with Discomfort

Learning to sit with awkwardness takes practice. Start small - perhaps with low stakes situations where you can experiment with not immediately jumping in to fix things. Notice your impulse to smooth things over, acknowledge it, and then consciously choose a different response.

Written by Rebecca Anderson for Navigate Psychology

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash