Are you in an abusive relationship?
A common question asked when someone is in an abusive relationship is ‘why doesn’t the person just leave?’
It’s a complicated answer. The first thing to realize is that most people are not all good or all bad. Hence, it can be a shock when a previously wonderful and kind partner does something that is out of character. It’s easy to explain away as a once off. It’s easier to listen to their apology and that they will change. It’s easy to remember the times they cooked you your favourite breakfast, made you laugh until you cried and nurtured you. The relationship might be good most of the time initially.
However, the way you cook a frog is to heat up the water gradually till it’s boiling, so it doesn’t realize the danger it is in. Abusive relationships can be this way. Sometimes by the time a person realize something is very wrong, it feels too late to get out of the relationship. Abusive people often belittle their partners and reduce their self-confidence, making it hard for them emotionally to leave. They may also not have the practical means to leave anymore as their partner is controlling the finances or has isolated the person from family and friends.
Here are eight warning signs that indicate you may be in an abusive relationship:
· Using emotional abuse – your partner puts you down and embarrasses you. They make you doubt yourself and your version of events and make you feel guilty constantly
· Using isolation – gradually you notice your social circle is shrinking, you’re hanging out with less people, your partner controls who you see and where you go, and uses jealously, guilt or accusations to justify their actions. They may physically isolate you by moving to a new location
· Using intimidation – your partner makes you feel afraid of them through their gestures, looks, throwing and smashing things or displaying weapons
· Using children – if children are involved, they are used as pawns. They may be used to make you feel guilty, to rely messages and your partner will often threaten to take the kids away or end the relationship
· Using male privilege – Of course, not all perpetrators of abusive relationships are male, but many are. Often they will use their male privilege in the relationship. You will be doing most of the chores and they will take control of all the big decisions
· Using economic abuse – your partner may control finances or make you ask for money. They may not want you to get a better income or job
If you’re in an abusive relationship, the most dangerous time is when you decide to leave. Know that if you have tried to leave before but returned to your partner, that this is a normal pattern of behaviour…it can sometimes take quite a few attempts to leave before it ‘sticks’.
For information on how to leave an abusive relationship please read the website below. These include how to create a safety plan, building a support network, saving money, being safe with your technology, how to get free legal advice and the importance of keeping a record of the abuse you face.
https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/stay-safe/leaving-safely
Photo by The HK Photo Company on Unsplash