Dealing with Toxic Friendships

‘’I’ve learned that people will forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel’’ Maya Angelou

We all want healthy relationships, but what does a healthy friendship look like?

A healthy friendship is a two way street. A true friendship involves nurturing each other. This friend will not only celebrate your successes but also build you up when things aren’t going so well. There should be a healthy respect of boundaries around how often you want to see each other and an acknowledgement of other relationships and work commitments.

A huge sign of a healthy friendship is the feeling you get when you think of that person. Are you excited and happy to spend time with them? Do you feel a calmness that comes from knowing this person has your back and you have theirs? Do you feel like they really listen when you speak?

Unfortunately, not all friendships feel like this. Here are some signs you’re involved in a toxic friendship.

 ·      Things are never their fault. They take no responsibility for their own actions, instead blaming others for their difficulties. If they do apologise it is quickly followed be a justification, and a list of what you’ve done wrong, too.

·      They talk AT you. In fact, sometimes you feel like you could turn into a brick wall and they wouldn’t notice. They just need someone to listen to them.

·      They are self-focused. All conversations lead back to your friend. For instance, if you mention you feel sick, they tell you about a time they were sicker. If you mention your job, they immediately tell you about drama at their company.

·      They gossip about everyone else. Every few weeks there seems to be a new drama. You can be sure that they are gossiping just as much about you, and you never fully feel like you can be your true self around them.

·      They interrupt you at inappropriate times and expect you to drop everything for them. They will get angry if you can’t meet up with them enough and may take it personally if you hang out with other people. They may ask for money from you.

How do we manage these sort of friendships?

 1. Create clear boundaries and don’t reward your friend for crossing them

Work out how often you would like to see this person. If it was entirely up to you, how frequently would you hang out?

If you have told your friend that you cannot meet up this week, but they keep asking, don’t give in after the fourth time out of guilt. If you do, it reinforces their behaviour (that if they keep asking and pushing your boundaries then you will eventually give in).

2. Don’t engage in gossip

You can do this by putting this person on an information diet – don’t gossip about other people to them. Just because your friend tells you everything, doesn’t mean you must reciprocate. Steer the conversation to other things like work, travel, family, hobbies or things happening in the wider world.

3. Start spending more time with people who make you feel safe and supported

If you feel like you don’t have enough social connections, think about the times in your life where you have made the most friends. Often it is either with family, school, hobbies or work. What those things have in common is frequent, consistent exposure to the same set of people. Therefore in order to expand your current social circle, you should seek to engage with a new hobby or workplace that allows you to do a similar thing.

 4. Remove them from your life

·      Sometimes we can stay in friendships because of the time we have invested in them, a shared history or a feeling of guilt if we were to end them. Ask yourself this: If you knew there would be no adverse reaction or backlash if you cut that person off, would you do it? If your answer is yes, then the only thing stopping you is feelings of guilt or fear, not genuine friendship. That isn’t fair on you or your friend.

·      If you find yourself feeling drained and dreading handing out with this person, you may need to remove them from your life completely.  You can do this through slowly reducing contact or through explicitly telling them that the friendship has grown apart and isn’t making you happy.

·      Be prepared that this person may lash out at you rather than listen or respect your opinion. These sorts of people don’t want you to put healthy boundaries in place!

·      When you feel distressed or guilty after setting a new boundary, remind yourself that discomfort is a normal part of setting new boundaries. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to set a boundary. This guilt will ease in time. Well done for looking after your own mental health.