Guide To Recovering From a Break-up

Going through any sort of separation, whether you were broken up with or ended a relationship yourself, and whether that relationship lasted a few months or was years long, can be incredibly painful.

 In relationships we are at our most vulnerable. To lose the person who we thought we would be with long term, can make us feel as if the rug has been pulled from underneath us.

For anyone going through a break up I want to say, I see your pain and I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope these strategies go a small way towards helping you get through this time of transition:

1)   Reduce your checking behaviour

Did you know the part of the brain involved in obsession lights up when we are rejected? From an evolutionary point of view this makes sense…when we lived in groups of 150 people it was very important for us to not be kicked out of social group and so if we did anything wrong we needed to rectify that quickly! 

 It’s common after a break up to be thinking a lot about your ex-partner….you might have a desire to talk about them a lot, to check their social media or see when they were last online and be friends immediately post breakup.

 However, who do you think will get over a break up quicker? The person who continues to check up on their ex-partner? Or a person who (at least temporarily) removes their ex-partner from social media, blocks their number, turns off notifications and refrains from asking their friends what their ex is doing?

 Continuing to check up on your ex is like picking a scab that hasn’t had a chance to heal. It’s more likely to leave a scar than if you remove yourself from that situation.

2) Accept the rollercoaster of emotion

Break ups can bring up a roller coaster of emotions. One minute you can be angry, the next devastated and the next hopeful for the future and happy. A common mistake is to numb these emotions through drinking, gaming, dating or emotional eating. That numbing is temporary, and when those emotions come up again it can leave you feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

 Feel your feelings! You are going through grief. Yes, your ex-partner is still alive, but the hopes and expectations you had for your shared future are now gone.

If you have the urge to cry, cry. Journal. Be vulnerable and open with friends. Let go of the expectations of when you ‘should’ be feeling better. There is no set timeline for healing.

 3) See this is an opportunity

Although a break up is a horrible thing to go through, remember that this chapter ending means another chapter is beginning. Think about what you neglected when you were in this relationship. Friendships. Family. Hobbies. Career. Study. Travel.

 Ask yourself ‘’what do I want my life to look like this time next year?’’ or ‘’if I could be guaranteed to meet the love of my life in one years time, what would I want this next year to look like?’’.

 4) Write down the negative things about the relationship or your ex-partner

Over time it can be easy to look back on relationships with rose-coloured glasses, particularly if you were broken up with. Write all the small things (e.g. he was often late) and big things (she was horrible with money) that you didn’t love about them whilst it is still fresh.

5) Reduce the comparison

Break ups can sometimes bring up painful feelings about our worth in general, and you may find yourself comparing your circumstances more readily to your friends (e.g. Dave with his new promotion; Tom with his great wife; Sarah with her new property, Emily on her whirlwind travel adventures). 

 Remember, you are cherry picking the best parts of your friends lives. Maybe you failed to remember that Tom lost his job recently, Sarah has been dealing with a physical illness, Dave is jealous of how close you are to your family and Emily is stressed because she doesn’t know what career she wants to work in.

 Think about how it makes you feel when you dwell on comparison. Does it keep you moving forward to the life you want or does it keep you stuck and make you want to withdraw?

 Next time you compare, instead of thinking ‘they are doing better or than me’ ask instead  ‘how does this serve or help me to compare myself?’. Then re-direct yourself back to the present moment and what you can practically change in your situation.