Ask for What You Want

We always hear that the most important thing in a relationship is communication.

However, many of us don’t communicate what we need in relationships.

We may feel like we don’t want to be a burden or feel selfish. We may fear the other person’s reaction if we ask for what we want. Or we may have given up communicating our needs because people don’t seem to listen.

However, if our needs aren’t met in relationships, this can lead to resentment and frustration.

It is important to begin to recognize and verbalise our own feelings, needs and wants in relationships. Long term, this will increase the health, success and equality of your relationships.

Relationships involve a dynamic between two people, and often both people play a role in maintaining the ‘status quo’. Sometimes by doing something different yourself and changing your own actions, you give the other person room to change.

If people are used to you being quite passive, you may feel distressed or guilty after asking for what you want initially. Also, others may become upset at you (as they may have liked it before when you didn’t communicate your needs!).

Remember, this guilt will ease in time.  Asking for what you want often improve your relationship with this person long term and increases your own self-respect.

·      Describe the situation that is bothering you factually

·      ‘You never want to spend time with me!’ could be changed to ‘The last three weeks we haven’t gone out on a date’’.

·      What are your thoughts and feelings?

·      ‘’You don’t love me’’ could be changed to ‘‘I feel upset when we don’t spend quality time together, and it makes me feel taken for granted’’.

·      What specifically do you want this person to do?

·      ‘‘I wish you spent more time with me’’ could be changed to ‘‘I’d like to spend one night a week going out to a local restaurant for dinner’’.

Choose a time to talk about your needs when the other person is not busy (e.g. not cooking dinner, rushing out or looking after children). Also, remember that communication is not just what you say. It is also your body language and your voice. Stand up straight, maintain eye contact and use a firm, clear voice. Do not shout. The moment you do, it signals to the other person you have lost control and they will become defensive.