Why People-Pleasing Often Begins in Childhood And Why It Made Sense at the Time

One of the patterns I see often in therapy is people-pleasing … the difficulty saying no and the reflex to avoid conflict *AT ALL COSTS*. Many people wonder where it started.

Often, we trace it back to childhood. People-pleasing may have been the most adaptive choice available because as children, we’re entirely dependent on the adults around us.

We rely on caregivers not just for food and shelter, but for emotional safety, guidance, and connection. That power dynamic is unavoidable. So when there's a conflict between a child’s inner experience and a parent’s viewpoint, most children learn (consciously or not) to defer to the parent’s version of reality and events.

If you were told “you’re too sensitive’ or ‘that didn’t happen’ you may have started questioning your own perception. Believing your parent was right, even when it didn’t feel true, was a way to maintain the relationship, to feel secure. You made the best choice available at the time.

So begins the habit of self-abandonment. Many children become highly attuned to the emotions of others. They learn to manage conflict by staying agreeable, to avoid rejection by being helpful, and to secure love by staying small. In those early years, this worked as it keeps the peace and protected the attachment.

However, strategies that were adaptive in childhood often become limiting in adulthood. Speaking up, setting a boundary, or disappointing someone can still feel terrifying. That old wiring kicks in. Working through your people pleasing doesn’t mean blaming your caregivers or erasing the past. It means gently testing out speaking up for yourself, to teach the fear centre of your brain that you are now safe and have more options now.

Photo by Ian Battaglia on Unsplash